A Different Kind Of Love

Creating a new role for oneself.

When you live a long time, you learn some things about yourself. Most of the learning comes from being alone with yourself long enough to, at times, catch glimpses of who you think you are. But oddly enough, it's not who you are that you see but who you've become. When you reach this spot, there's a choice to be made. But getting to this spot requires lots of time, thick skin, courage and most importantly–an open mind.

But everyone's different. What may be a decisive moment for me, may not even show up on your radar. The quest for self knowledge or improved self-awareness may not be a thing for you. If you have spent most of your life trying to dodge self-flagellation and harness your will to take you to better places instead of some seeming unknown force constantly mutinying and steering your ship to inhospitable islands, then where I have landed may be of some interest to you.

Let me first say this, perhaps you may be too young. Meaning, it may be possible that what I have found and talking about is simply the natural maturation process. How many times have you heard someone say, "If I could live my life over, I'd do it this way" or something to that effect. Or, "Hindsight is 20/20." Then there's this school–ancient wisdom suggesting pain being the touchstone to growth, no pain, no gain or you must stray from your path to find your path. Blah, blah, blah. Who knows for sure? 

I do know that I have developed a great tolerance for pain. Enough that it has been with me my whole life. Not physical pain but psychic terror, dread, self-hatred, bitterness, rage, depression. All the thick, dense, fun ones. It is a truism that the insidious aspect of child abuse is that once the child grows up and leaves home, they no longer need the parents around to continue the abuse. They'll do it to themselves–until they don't or perhaps never stop. 

But after many years I've come to the conclusion that the cornerstone of my life's foundation has been my traumatic family of origin and my whole identity revolves around it. But life waits for no one. So, getting on in years puts things into perspective. In other words, death awaits me. Don't get me wrong, this is a good thing or an odd thing but it is what it is. That said, time is of the essence. 

What I understand now is this. I consistently manufactured the edifice to trap myself in. In this edifice is a familiar, known world complete with behavioral patterns and the ensuing mental and emotional states they produce. It is a known world albeit–bleak. If you had asked me why, I would have given you three hundred reasons. They're all inscribed in the cornerstone. I know them by heart. But the stakes are high at this point. 

My reasons aren't unconscious to me. I played a role in a story I was cast in long ago by others. I didn't choose the role.. The directors would be so proud of how well I played the part. I see it clearly now for what it is. If you watched a movie of how I have treated myself you'd shake your head in astonishment wondering why he doesn't do something different. It has been nothing short of fear. Hanging on to the old story provided me with a life nonetheless.  But a happy, fulfilling one? No. It seems the way out of the edifice or story is to fix in place a new cornerstone. One that has inscribed on it–find what you love.

In essence, write a new story where the protagonist explores the known and unknown world in search of what it loves and cherishes and only this. Cast oneself in a new role as an adventurer searching for treasures. Can you imagine departing this world not knowing what you love? 

I know a lot of you may be thinking I’m talking about romantic love but no. Imagine your one of those who got kicked in the teeth too many times by what you thought was love. At least now you can smirk at yourself armed with the knowledge gained through experience that those sounds you heard you thought were bells and whistles turned out to be alarms. Perhaps there will be another time for romance but next time it might be best to sit a while upon the edge and dipping the toes rather than diving in heart first. But then again, you may decide you love the blindness and intoxicatingly deliciousness of the fall?

But let it be said not everyone judges how well they’re doing in life by how well they’re doing in inter-personal relationships. Really, it’s up to you to create your own measuring stick. Some may use their wealth, their work, their art, their conquests?

I’m talking about finding your deep love of life itself and everything and anything you may find you love while on this temporal journey. Like leaning against a Redwood tree on Bolinas Ridge saturated in sunbeams and inhaling the dank spring greens of forest. Or being blindsided by the smell of eucalyptus while biking down a new trail or taking a deep pull from a perfect cigar that warms your lips and tastes like Nicaraguan pepper. I mean really exploring with childlike curiosity the diversity of all that exists wherever you may roam. Maybe it’s trying new things just to see if, if, if there’s something there for you? Or going back to things you once loved that have been sloughed off to see what it was that brought you to it in the first place. Like sketchy night walks through downtown in a big city when all the financial buildings are empty. Perhaps love means fighting for the voiceless or joining the Zapatist’s in Chiapas, Mexico? Only you can find out what you love.

This message isn’t for everyone. It’s for you if your life has shriveled to the point where nothing matters and every act carries the same value. It’s for you if not showering for a week and wearing the same sweatpants every day has slowly become the norm. And for you who have given up cooking and eat only what is simplest to make in the microwave and go to bed on a full stomach which leaves you tossing and turning with heartburn all night. Also for you who no longer pick up the phone when people you like call. Or cancelling everything you’ve said yes to half an hour before you’re supposed to meet and are left reaching for the numbing stick. Perhaps you're still in gremlin mode, that left over from the pandemic, still bing watching Netflix series? I started watching the WestWorld series again but caught myself. Even brushing your teeth might be a nuisance. Why do it? I’m not going anywhere. Enough was enough. We were dying daily. Change doesn’t have to be hard but….

It will require doing things differently. All the therapists I’ve spent time with, all the philosophical and spiritual books I’ve read, all the mystical paths I’ve trodden, all point to the same thing–begin. Slowing down, pausing to connect with self asking–what do I really want to do? Really pausing, stopping, shifting directions. Also being open enough to let the world in to be experienced, evaluated and either let go of or embraced based upon one simple criteria–can I find what I love? Upon this new cornerstone life will begin to matter as you climb to new heights of awareness to sit comfortably along with love gazing out over the vast new horizons and you will ask each other–what would you like to do next?